Our monthly theme for September of Building Belonging is challenging, especially the “building” part.  How do we build a greater sense of belonging to a community for ourselves and others?  There are many ways to build barriers to belonging for others and myself. Humans can be quite groupish in the desire for community where we define ourselves by who can and cannot belong to our group.  Most groups have certain explicit and implicit markers of who is welcome to a group.  Are you “right” nationality, gender, sexual orientation, race, ethnic background, religion, politics, economic status or formal education for our group?  

Most of us have experienced both sides of this where we have felt welcome and comfortable in some groups or ignored and uncomfortable in others. Often the reasons were obvious, other times less so. Sometimes to feel part of a group means hiding or ignoring some part of our identity.  I question whether hiding some part of our authentic self really gives us a true sense of belonging.  We might just befitting in to seek someone else’s approval and meet their conditions for inclusion. 

Author and disability activist Russell Lehmann says “The act of inviting often implies a subtle power dynamic, as if someone is granting permission to belong. But true belonging isn’t something that can be granted; it’s something that should emerge naturally, from a shared understanding and mutual respect.”

Our religious community strives to be a place of welcome and inclusion where anyone who participates feels comfortable and respected. Feeling a sense of belonging seems more complicated since belonging is a comfort people feel that comes from within in response to our experiences with a community.  Feeling we belong means we can bring and share our full self by  sharing some of our greatest vulnerabilities and worries.  Can we really build such a sense of belonging for people?  

I believe we can create a place where people feel fully listened to, supported and cared for.  Not perfectly but authentically and compassionately. As the late author Maya Agelou said “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”  If we can build a community where people feel fully listened to about difficult subjects, even topics people they feel embarrassed of, then our relationships can be strengthened not broken by our intimate sharing.  This inspires ourselves and others to be more courageous creating the Brave Space I hope our religious community to be. 

Bravery can be infectious.  The more we model sharing our vulnerabilities, doubts, and fears during worship, in small groups, committee meetings and casual conversation, the more comfortable others will become in sharing.  This intimate sharing is a vital part of feeling we belong in a community.  We admire the bravery of others sharing their vulnerabilities but sense our own vulnerabilities as weakness.  It is not a weakness.  The more we experience supportive listening of others to our deepest doubts and fears, the more it strengthens our relationships and helps us feel a sense of belonging in our community.  Belonging may be how strong we feel a level of connection to others in the community.

Many people come to UUFRC saying they are looking for a community.  What do they mean by this?  I believe many people seeking a religious community are looking for some deeper connection beyond what is typically found in their usual social groups.  In our religious community many of us are seeking relationships of deeper connection that inspire us to live richer, fuller and braver lives.  We want to be affirmed in our full humanity and supported in exploring and growing our spiritual identity.

Belonging is really a spectrum of how much trust each of us feels with the community around us.  This sense of belonging is built slowly over time by how much trust people experience within our community.  Building a sense of belonging will be different for each of us depending on our life experiences and our various identities.  A sense of belonging can only be built at the speed of trust between individuals and a community.  Trust can take a long time to build and be destroyed easily with thoughtless action.  Our community strives to help all of us to develop more trusting, respectful and caring relationships which is a lifelong commitment we make to one another.

In Love, Connection and Trust,

                               Rev. Brian